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  • Writer's pictureThe Fake Guru

The Excel Guru

Updated: Nov 16, 2021

“I have an EXCEL SPREADSHEET for everything man. Look!”

I lean in and, shading my eyes against the hot, Tuscan sun, peer into the wizard’s phone.

It’s Sunday. The pool next to us drips lazily. While we bake in the heat, I study him sitting under the welcoming shade of a sky-blue umbrella: Black Ray Ban’s, tropical vibe trunks, flipflops and hairy chest. Looks like a wizard to me, I think.

“What do you mean, for everything?” I ask, incredulously. “You have an excel spreadsheet for everything?!”

“Well,” he counts on his fingers, “I have all the basics, like my

  • Finance and Asset Models,

  • Monthly Expenses and Savings;

  • Personal Goal Setting and Planning Spreadsheets; and


  • Grocery Tracker

  • Personal Habit Tracker

“Here, check this out –” he shields the phone excitedly from the glare of the sun. I lean in. “This one,” he says, “I like to use for mindfulness exercises. He shows me a spreadsheet, neatly put together in boxes and columns. One of them is labelled GRATITUDE, the other MEDITATION.

“Oh. Right. What’s this one?” I point at the one labelled SPELLS & POTIONS (Magical).

“That one…” he has a sly look in his eye. “That’s where I keep track of all my spells and potions. But they’re secret.” He leans back to evaluate me, suddenly suspicious. “Sorry, can’t show you that one bruv.”

I’m a bit disappointed.

“Man, Excel! – dude, it’s just the most incredible tool!” He powers on. “Honestly,” he leans in again. “It’s literally given me the ability to perfect my potion intake. Seriously.” He nods his head in approval and makes an “O” with his forefinger and thumb.

“A couple of months ago I started experimenting with all sorts of different tonics and potions – you know, the the whole shebang. I created

  • Performance enhancing ones,

  • Mind-bending ones,

  • Horizon-widening ones.

Some are to relax, some for productivity – some for the parties.” He gives me a cheeky wink. “Dude, there’s a potion or a tonic for everything – for all types of situations – and I’m telling you, without Excel I wouldn’t have been able to perfect my dosage! Here. Let me show you.”

He taps the phone – his bout of suspicion clearly forgotten – and a new spreadsheet appears. This one looks like a calendar:

  • each day is represented by a cell,

  • each week is grouped into clusters seven cells, and

  • each month is grouped into four weeks.

Across the calendar the days are marked with different colors: GREEN, BLUE, and YELLOW.

“Look. The GREEN ones are the potions I vape. Ideal to chill.” He leans back, taking two deep drags from the long, metal pipe he’s been cradling and blows a puff of heavy emerald green smoke into the sky. It billows and swirls around us, sparkling in the sunlight. “I do that about twice a week on average.” he says, smiling to himself.

“Then,” he continues, “the BLUE ones! The party potions! I take these elixirs about six times a year on average, and – dude – they. are. the. BOMB! I’ve just learned to distill them into pill format! Look!”

He hands me a pill. It shines with the brightest range of colors.

“I call them 🌈 Atomic Rainbow.” he says. Suddenly, he looks sternly:

“It’s really important to take a break in between though – like six to eight weeks at least.” He pauses to emphasize his point. “With great power comes great responsibility.”

He lowers his voice and I look around to see if anyone is listening. Nope.

“The YELLOW ones,” he says with an air of mystery, his eyebrows raised hypnotically, “I distill from mushrooms.” He points at four yellow boxes spread out evenly over his one-year spreadsheet. “I take them approximately four times a year. With at least a four week break in between.” he adds. “They’re reeeally trippy, but I finally got the dosage down. No one ever knows you’re trippin’! Hahahaha!” He laughs heartily and claps his leg, grinning at me widely.

“Well?!” he asks expectantly.

I look at him, lost for words.

“You really do have a spreadsheet for everything.” I say astounded. “It’s unbelievable…”

“No man! That’s not what I meant!” He points at the 🌈 rainbow-colored pill in my hand. “Well? Are you going to take it?” Smiling, he pops one into his mouth.

I look at the open spreadsheet on his phone. Today is marked BLUE.

I shrug my shoulders and pop mine into my mouth too.


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