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The Anti-Conspiracy Theorist

Updated: Nov 10, 2021

STANDING ON THE STAGE of the auditorium, the man glances anxiously at the clock. The long arm indicates seven minutes past the hour. Why hadn’t anyone turned up yet?

Of course, he’d expected delays. It was a weekday after all. But for the room to be completely empty… this, he hadn’t expected.

Closing his eyes, he turns his thoughts within. "Focus," he thinks. "Just like Dr. Klein taught you..." He takes three deep breaths, and, upon release, imagines the flicking of a switch. A bright spotlight turns on inside him, shining a beam of light on the place where he’s been told his feelings are. "They’re right there," he assures himself. "Right there, at the epicenter of my chest. Right there, next to where my heart is supposed to be." He looks within and is surprised to discover… disappointment?

“Huh,” he thinks.

“Excuse me, is this the seminar on Antimatter Theory?” A young woman interrupts his moment of introspection. She stands hesitantly in the doorway.

“No,” he opens his eyes, irritated. “This is the Anti-Conspiracy Theory Seminar. Antimatter is one floor up.”

People were stupid, he concluded. He’d spent the past weeks handing out pamphlets at bars, cafés, libraries, the underground – all around East London, anywhere they'd have him.

Are you a Conspiracy Theorist? the headlines read. Do you think you’re living in the Matrix? Are you convinced Bill Gates is set on world domination? Do you believe in the healing properties of gravity? In that case, this seminar is for you! Join Dr. Professor Marvin Pine – famed Author, Myth Buster, and Anti-Conspiracy Theorist – who will help you debunk your very own Conspiracy Theories. 19.00pm, Thursday, July 1st, 2021 – Shoreditch Town Hall, 380 Old St, London EC1V9LT. £5 entry-fee.

He’d settled on the entry-fee after much deliberation. Sure, he made debunking conspiracies look easy – but you’d be surprised how stubborn some people could be. And if you’re good at something, his Gran taught him, never do it for free.

Half past the hour. Still, no one has shown up.

People were stupid, he concluded. People were lazy. People didn’t do proper research anymore, and so they were blind – blind to their very own stupidity, to their very own laziness. People didn’t want to know the truth!

At 8.10pm he turns off the mic. Most likely, he decided, someone has gone around and picked up all of his pamphlets. Yes, that must be it… one of the rival Anti-Conspiracy Theory Professors, no doubt. That’s why no one turned up! It must have been Professor Ermine, that twitchy-nosed nitwit – yes, surely it was him! No matter... He had no need for pamphlets or auditoriums. He'd just use Reddit.

And, satisfied at solving yet another world mystery, he packs up his bag and leaves.


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